Categories: Mom's the Word
      Date: Nov 30, 2007
     Title: Santa Mom

She sees you when you're sleeping and knows... everything

By Maggie Lamond Simone

Everyone thinks Santa has such a cool job. Well, you know what? I bet I could do it.

Everyone thinks Santa has such a cool job. Well, you know what? I bet I could do it.

Seriously. How hard can it be? Watching kids all the time... who does he think he’s kidding? He has other people doing that for him; they’re called “parents.” He’s suckered us into doing his job! Don’t believe me?

What do we do when our children are born? We watch them! We memorize them! We watch as they sleep, watch as they learn to roll, crawl, laugh, talk. We watch as they learn to walk, and, many times, watch as they learn to fall. We watch them with the pets, watch them with the siblings, watch them interact with other children and other adults. We watch them button their coats and pick out their clothes and play on the computer. We are the ultimate onlookers in our children’s lives.

And that’s just the beginning! Soon we’re watching them from the sidelines of sporting events and music recitals and school plays and spelling bees and birthday parties. We’re watching them dive in the swimming pool and ride their bikes without training wheels. We watch them do their homework and pick up their clothes and walk to their friends’ houses by themselves.

So, Santa, you think you’re a watcher? I say, Ha!

And the traveling thing? Do you think you have us beat on that? Let me ask you this: Do you have any kids in sports, my man? No? Oh, that’s right. You don’t actually have kids. Well, let me share this little insight with you: Parents do some driving, too. We just spread it out a little more.

You might go around the world in one night, but I bet I go twice that distance in the course of a school year—and I’ve only got two kids. There are soccer practices, soccer games, baseball practice, baseball games, gymnastics, workouts, and of course the cello carpool because my son chooses the only instrument that is bigger than the bus he takes to school.

That’s not even counting the various and sundry play dates, grandparent visits, Halloween parades, holiday concerts, zoo and museum trips. So you think you cover some miles in the name of children? I say, double ha!

And the toys! People may believe you’ve amassed the most toys, but I’d like to rise to that little challenge, my friend. I invite you to browse the lower level of the Simone household and decide for yourself if we’ve bought our children a block or two over the years.

We’ve bought it all: the video games, the remote-control T-Rex, the computers, the Leapsters. We’ve got the Nintendos and the GameBoys and the Pokemon cards and the trampoline. We’ve got the dolls that pee and the electronic dogs that attack real cats. You see, sir, my children are fortunate enough to have many grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, and it is my belief that we could, as a family, give you a run for your money in this department.

So you think you’ve got toys? I say, ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, everyone thinks you’re all that, but I think it’s high time parents get a little more credit. When it comes to our kids, we know best. We see them when they’re sleeping, we know when they’re awake, we know if they’ve been bad or good, and we discipline them when necessary—sometimes, yes, with a lump of coal.

Why so testy this year, you ask? I don’t know. All I know is that thanks to the holidays, my belly’s as big as his, and my spouse is decidedly NOT ordering me to “eat, papa, eat!” Thanks to menopause, I have a nice, fluffy white beard. And, come to think of it, thanks to my lifelong aversion to sunscreen, I have a nice, permanent red “suit.” So when it comes to Santa this year, I guess I just have one thing to say.

Ha! I mean, ho, ho, ho!

Maggie Lamond Simone is a book author, award-winning writer and mother of two living in Baldwinsville. Reach her at