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Suiting Up

Well, fans, it’s back-to-you-know-what time, and once again we’re hoping that everyone is returning refreshed, with a little more knowledge and maybe a little more confidence than last year! We’re pretty excited up here in the booth, as we get a bird’s-eye view of the season’s latest bathing suit styles.

We’ve seen it all over the years, haven’t we? Ha ha ha. I mean, especially with The Mom—her shorts and T-shirt... the skirts that float around her like some bizarre jellyfish when she steps into the water... the caftans... the wraps... the classic towel-about-the-waist... yes, folks, she’s really “covered” the gamut in her ongoing efforts to convince us she doesn’t have thighs! And I don’t even want to think about the bikini wax issue!

It’s kind of sad, too, really, since we just want women to be comfortable with their bodies, but everyone at her own pace, right? She’s struggled mightily with that issue over the years, and—wait a second! Here comes The Family!

First up is The Boy. Now, you’ll recall in the past he’s been a mite partial to the typical-for-that-age merchandising, from Spider Man to Star Wars and anything in between. Let’s see what he’s sporting this—hey, what is that, anyway? A mural of some sort? It’s absolutely fabulous! The blues, the greens, the way the hemline falls just short of the knee—it’s the ultimate in subdued maturity! The crowd’s going nuts as The Boy makes his way through.

Next up, it’s The Girl, and I think we all know that whatever she’s modeling today is only one of many she’ll be wearing this season. So let’s see what she chose for opening day—wait—here she comes—and she’s donned a kicky Hannah Montana belted one-piece WITH MATCHING HEADBAND! It’s unbelievable! The applause is deafening. And are they—yes! They’re standing for the Hannah Montana suit!

Now I see The Dad making his way through the crowd. Is he really wearing arrest-me-red? What a coup! This man has no fear! He’s wearing a suit that practically screams “I’m a target!” and remains unflappable! He confidently strolls by, flashing those baby blues and that famous grin as he goes. What a guy, folks!

Now we’re just waiting for The Mom, who’s apparently running a little behind—or in her case, a big behind! Ha ha! Oops—was that out loud? Sorry, folks. That was uncalled for. At any rate, we predict she’ll be wearing her usual, whether a modest two-piece suit or a flowing one-piece—either one with a skirt designed to cover at least some of those ripples. She’s been wearing the same style since she had kids, so we’re not expecting any surprises here.

OK . . . here she comes . . . we’re momentarily blinded here in the booth by something—is it the glare off of her white legs? Sure enough—but wait! There is a surprise! She’s wearing—a one-piece suit WITHOUT A SKIRT! There is not one ounce of extra fabric draping from that body! No men’s shirt, no wrap around the waist—she’s not even attempting to cover up!

This is absolutely unprecedented, people. If you’re here today, you can practically feel the collective gasp of the crowd. She’s walking to her family, strutting, really, with apparently no concern whatsoever with this new exposure! The crowd’s going nuts! Is it possible, after all this time? Is she really—I can barely say it!—is she finally comfortable in her own skin?!

Wow, folks. You saw it here first. Just when you think you’ve got one who’s unreachable . . . I’m telling you, these moments are what it’s all about. Each year we welcome them back a little more mature, a little more confident. So pull out the sunscreen, put on the shades and dive in.
School—er, pool is now in session!

Maggie Lamond Simone is a book author, award-winning writer and mother of two living in Baldwinsville. Reach her at maggiesimone@verizon.net.

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